Since I’m sentimental and attach memories and feelings to things, I’ve compiled a list of 10 Things Ex-Lovers Ruined For Me because of their need to introduce me to songs, books, and other things that now appear at random moments in my life without warning. Enjoy!
1. Anything to do with the band American Football and any of the bands related to it. Before getting romantic with the boy who idolized the singer, I never heard of them or their music and now I act as if never did. I like to think I’m pretty opened minded, but I have flashbacks to sitting on a chair at one of the gigs of the related bands and silently asking God to free me from it; the screaming, the lyrics, the general atmosphere and the feeling of being their was just….depressing. I also silently asked God to free me during the car ride home when my then boyfriend mansplained “why scholars will look back at American Football/associated acts and state that they were the greatest emo band of all time.” I know, I know: some songs are good and I know they have a very loyal fanbase, but they will be ruined forever for me. Sorry.
2. Gnocchi. Yes, the pasta. When you have an ex who had a grandmother who made it perfectly from scratch, you will never get over it and no other gnocchi will ever compare. Sometimes I want to email her just to ask her how she does it, but I stop myself every time.
3. The song Friday I’m In Love by The Cure. It’s June 2013, I’m driving with my then-boyfriend down Lakeshore, watching both the lake and the houses pass us by. He puts this on and starts singing and dancing in the driver’s seat. My heart grows ten sizes and I fall in love in that moment, sitting beside him in the passenger seat. The thing about this song is that it plays everywhere; the grocery store when I’m in the chip aisle determining if I should just buy two bags so I don’t have to leave the house for the entire weekend, on every British-centric playlist on Spotify, and in so. many. rom. coms. You can take away my safety when I’m buying chips, but MY ROM COMS?! That is a crime. Horrible. Just horrible.
4. The Lord of The Rings trilogy, mostly because of an ex’s refusal to watch/read Harry Potter on the basis that it was, in his words, a ripoff of Lord of the Rings. Now it is just ruined because of how adamant he was on not watching Harry Potter and I’m petty (and I just always fall asleep during them.)
5. Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac. Now, you may find yourself sitting on a park bench with a boy you just met in the wee hours of the morning in the dead of summer. While you share a bottle of whiskey, you both quiz each other on everything & anything in-between each sip. You’ll scream when you find out he doesn’t really like going to gigs or that he has never heard a One Direction song in his life, but what will really sober you up is when you ask him what his favourite Fleetwood Mac song is because what is the worst that could happen? In any other world, you may hear Landslide or The Chain but because this is your life and it’s a bit of a joke, of course the next words that follow are definitely Silver Springs, and it’s almost like you never had a thing to drink. Out of all the bloody songs on their 17 albums, it just HAD to be your favourite, and a bloody song on a B-side at that! But that definitely wasn’t something that happened to me. Nope. Not at all.*
6. Philosophy. Yes, the academic discipline. I always find and fall for boys majoring in philosophy. I don’t know what it is about their need to question and philosophize over everything that gets me swooning, but it does. Until further notice, philosophy is canceled. Bye, Kant.
7. Scrubs. I will never be able to stomach that show or Zach Braff for the rest of my life. I know, I know: another thing with a large fanbase! I just sound like a bitter Betty at the moment, but let me explain myself! When your relationship consists of doing nothing but watching Zach Braff’s character be a total asshole to everyone he supposedly cares about, you grow to resent a lot of things. Scrubs was just the first of a long list of shows I would grow to resent due to my relationship being shaped around watching them, which also includes TV shows Seinfeld and Louis C.K’s show Louie (and this was before everyone discovered what a pig he is!)
8. Volkswagen vehicles. Now that I’ve dated three different guys that drove VW cars, I can justify my desire to never wanting to set foot in one driven by a potential lover ever again.
9. The smell of AXE. Since there was that time when so many males between the ages of 16 and 25 were wearing AXE because of its #cool and #masculine branding, this is probably a universal issue for every person reading this. I send you love and all of the strength every time you are subjected to that scent.
10. Red button-downs. I don’t know if I was just a bull in a past life, but now when I see any man wear a red button down, which was something of a staple in an ex’s wardrobe (aka, he owned 7! SEVEN!) I see red and I feel like a charging bull.
But even with all of this, I can still say that I’m cool and chill and I get over things super easily. I hold no grudges at all! I’m like, super cool with things and nothing bothers me ever.
*if there is one thing I have learned, it is that you never, under any circumstances, ask someone what their favourite Fleetwood Mac song is. Learn from my mistakes, my friend.